Features, Language, Media, Poetry, Satire

Headline Rhymes

Have you heard ’bout the horrible hate crime?
A TV star is beat up by two white guys

But the whole thing turns whack
When the white guys turn black

And YOU are racist for not buyin’

Views on the news, delivered so smooth.

This week’s inspired by the confusing story of Jussie Smollett as it continues to unspool. As it does, perhaps sober thinking about race is in order: 

Racism and Underdetermination by Evidence

The Racism Treadmill

Click for last week’s edition.

And for more Headline Rhymes, follow along on Twitter @grahamverdon

Do you have a Headline Rhyme? Take a stab in the Comments Section below. 

Sentiments are not necessarily shared by everyone at Quillette.


  1. chris says

    My choice of article is “Headline Rhymes” itself. If the purpose of Quillette is to wrest the arts back from the clutches of the postmodernists, who treat works of art as just frames only fit for displaying their bullshit theories, it means that the arts are important – their form and their content. Therefore, take no prisoners..

    The lazy satirist skims the magazine,
    to find the theme that sums the issue up.
    2 minutes thought’s apparently too much:
    the tossed-off lines conspicuously bland,
    unfunny, badly rhyming, and unscanned.

  2. Graham Verdon says

    If you’re going to critique my rhymes
    I want a little more effort next time

    If I only spent 2 minutes, I reckon
    You must have spent 30 seconds

    If my poems make you grumpy
    Why don’t you pitch us something?

    • Wolfert Gerritse says

      A lady called me racist; she told my boss on me,
      I blame it on Obama that she got so uppity,
      I simply was explaining what Jordan has to teach us,
      But I guess she wanted equality of outcome in her pizzas.

  3. chris says

    I’ll pitch you my red pencil..

    “If you’re bent on shitting in my bunk
    you ought to leave more than that paltry snail.
    My own 2 minutes straining might have stunk –
    your 30 second fart’s a vapid fail.

    If my poems (as I term them) rankle
    why not fuck off, die, or break an ankle?”

    • Graham Verdon says

      It only took one reply
      To reveal you’re THAT guy

    • Sydney says


      Did you come to Quillette to show us on the right
      how the left-wing people have all the intellectual might?

      Your visit failed and you look like the ass of a horse
      You were ugly, scatological, lowbrow, and coarse.

      Your visit confirmed what we here already know:
      the left has no ideas and is not an ‘equal-intellect’ foe.

      • chris says

        You bain’t from round ‘ere..

        For the sun, the moon and the stars,
        for the saint, but not the adulterer,
        when they call them “the horse’s arse”
        what they mean is the ne plus ultra.

  4. Sam L. says

    Those were the darkest two “white men” I’ve ever seen!

  5. Sydney says

    On ‘A Witch-Hunt On Instagram’:

    There was a knitter from someplace deemed “white”
    who said she was excited to take an exotic flight

    She was swiftly trolled by the Totalitarian SJW Knitter’s Club
    They scorched the crafty earth leaving no social-media shrub

    They schooled and re-educated like good little Maoists
    flaming yarn and knitting needles hoisted in their girly fists

    Funny how these SJW crafters self-appoint as the Knitters’ Oppression Police
    As they oppress, enslave, and exploit sheep; and daily steal their fleece.

  6. Rufus says

    A little-known actor from Chi-town
    Has turned out to be the proverbial clown
    Rapped his own neck in a noose
    Hoping that it’d boost
    A career, he did fear,
    Had little to no juice
    With an employer all ready
    To cut the lad loose
    I’m certain he’s praying it’ll all go away
    That they’ll let him off easy cuz he’s black
    Or he’s gay
    But you don’t always gets what you want,
    You don’t always get your own way
    Although the DOJ seems bereft
    If there’s any morality left
    Jussie is going to pay

  7. Jezza says

    Re female students who drink to excess

    What is this life if, full of drink
    You have no time to stop and think?
    If you are seeking, for two pins,
    To blame another for your sins,
    Walk a tightrope, risk it all
    And blame another if you fall,
    Where, with a Russell Conjugation
    Your train won’t stop at any station
    Disapproved by Twitter mob —
    You’re safe. You’ll never lose your job

    What is this life if, full of grace,
    You just pour snake juice in your face
    Until you lie face down in dirt
    While random stranger lifts your skirt?

    And then, and then, when all is wrecked
    Are you entitled to RESPECT?

  8. Humblenotry says

    Jump to another headline
    This starts trouble
    A noble life of a feline
    Starts to bubble
    Clarity and focus are gone
    The plot went missing
    Curiouser it as a pawn
    Death is kissing
    Loves for an idol
    Only one a lifetime of thoughts
    They’re suicidal
    We keep our distance as robots
    It’s intertidal

Comments are closed.