Author: Noam Shpancer

Forget de Botton’s Advice — Why Lower Expectations Won’t Help Your Marriage

The philosopher Alain de Botton recently published a provocative article in the NYT titled, Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person, in which he argues that current marriages are ailing under the burden of unrealistic expectations. According to de Botton the historical “marriage of reason,” motivated by pragmatic concerns such as tribal alliances, asset protection and the like, was generally miserable, which is why our current “marriage of feeling” system has been so readily and uncritically embraced. The marriage of feeling, in de Botton’s view, comprises our effort to “recreate, within our adult relationships, the feelings we knew so well in childhood.” Unfortunately our early love objects — our parents — were often hurtful, insensitive, or distracted. Thus as grown-ups we often pick troubled partners who match our early templates. Lacking self-awareness, we nonetheless delude ourselves that we know who we are and what we need to be happy, and that a perfect partner is out there for us. Intoxicated by the euphoria of new love, we blithely neglect to investigate our partners thoroughly, preferring …