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Your Guide to Blaming Russia for Everything

There’s a secret that not many people know. It’s time you were briefed on it. Close the door and make sure you’re not being followed. Things have gone too far to keep this under wraps any longer.

This is going to feel like Ivan Drago punched you in the face. This time there’s no Rocky Balboa to dance around in a boxing ring wrapped in a flag in slow-motion and save freedom. It’s just you and me. This is liberty’s last stand against the barbarian hordes of the steppes.

It’s time to wake up and smell the dark-roast Kremlin coffee. I’m talking dark-roast as in a steaming cup of pitch-black, irredeemable evil splashed in your face right after you smell it.

If it’s any consolation for the disturbing content to come, the following semi-information will allow you to criticize populist, white Republicans as well as Russians, so it’s an automatic win-win.

Let’s start at the beginning. Remember the serpent who tempted Eve to disobey God? That serpent was actually called Vladimir Serputin and he was a long-lost relative of the current president of the Russian Federation. Descendants later changed the surname spelling because it was kind of awkward to be a blood-relative of the devil and all, but it’s not exactly Soviet rocket science. As President-elect Donald Trump has said, good genes create good kids, right? The opposite is also true.

A lot of things happened after Adam and Eve’s fall from grace that weren’t amazing — like pestilence and world wars so … thanks for all that too, Russia!

To go over the obvious things you probably already knew, Russia is solely to blame for racism, sexism, homophobia, transphobia, elitism, death itself, hyper-capitalism, communism, overly severe justice, overly lax justice, autocracy, mob rule, mass incarceration, and many more contradictory-yet-true ills of all stripes.

If it happened and it’s bad it’s Russia.

Those incessant Facebook game invites for Farmville and Candy Crush that you got for years which permanently lowered your desire to live are actually a high-concept psychological warfare technique developed in the bowels of the Kremlin. Thanks, Russia!

Long delays waiting for a reply to a text? Classic Russkie move. Their attempts to hack every country’s telecommunications mean the text you sent an hour ago is stuck in the airwaves. That time you only found out that your fiancée was breaking up with you by text an hour after you booked the wedding venue was all on them. Blame your current alcoholism and cursing of existence on the pendejos in St. Petersburg. Thanks, Russia!

Former CNN commentator Donna Brazile giving debate questions to Hillary Clinton ahead of a debate? Putin convinced her! The Democratic Party coalescing around Clinton despite early indications she might lose? A subtle Russian psy-op effected by placing key staffers in the DNC to falsely boost confidence in Clinton so that she would then run and lose to Russia’s patsy orange-potato-head Trump. This stuff goes deep, so don’t look surprised.

The long game is even more alarming: Russia currently has millions more women than men which leading experts believe may be a genetically-engineered mating apocalypse masterplan. Moscow aims to flood strategic areas of the world with mail-order brides to stealthily inculcate pro-Russian attitudes in hapless male victims. Instead of being “cucked” as the alt-right would have it, lonely men will instead be “Russ-ucked” by Olgas and Svetlanas cooing in their ear.

While being “Russ-ucked” can feel quite good at first, an analyst with the intelligence community, who spoke on the condition of anonymity, warned that the aftereffects of being “Russ-ucked” are dire. The Ruble Heads plan for hybrid descendants of these Russian-foreign couples to form a troll army that will spread fake news and vile Slavophilic sentiments around the internet and society. The foreign hand that rocks the cradle will rule the world. Don’t get sucked in by Anna Karenina-era notions of pre-Bolshevik Russian elegance — it’s a trap.

Remember that anyone who tries to deflect from Kremlin creeps is an Alex Jones-watching lunatic who thinks George Soros is a lizard.

Now relax and take a sip of cocoa, I have another shot of reality to inject.

Whenever the rainbow-colored spinning wheel on your Mac freezes you’re under attack from the Smirnoff Slinging Psychos. Yeah. Every time a rainbow wheel freezes, somewhere Putin laughs, whether it’s while he works out in his designer exercise clothing or chills in one of his luxurious mansions. Thank your next frozen screen of death on the gay-hating, turnip-eaters of Russia. These people are everywhere and it’s up to the tolerant and diversity-loving among us to call them out. Remember: it’s OK to have hate in your heart, as long as it’s against Russians.

Justin Bieber, who may or may not be a Russian agent sent to cause deafness, (plus he collaborates with DJ Snake, a known descendant of the original Serputin) memorably sings: Is it too late now to say sorry?

Yes, yes it is too late, Russia.

Watch out for the word proof. Anyone who asks for proof is a devious Kremlin agent. “Proof” is actually a malicious ruse perfected after the fall of the USSR by low-life gangsters and pimps to abuse their power over a servile population (“Where’s your proof I just robbed you?” they would demand of a poor man whose bread ration they had just filched). Don’t fall for “proof” rhetoric. The only proof you need is that you feel something is true, someone anonymous said it’s true, and it shows that Russia is evil incarnate. The details will fill themselves in.

What should you do? Who am I to say? Many are joining the Resistance, headed by the heroic newsman Keith Olbermann and the noble Neera Tanden. Rumor has it the Resistance has been stocking up on supplies like safety pins, cameras to take selfies and pancake mix as they construct a compound in the wildlands of rural Idaho. Be aware that discipline is tough, though. These are seasoned guerillas, not dilettantes. Che Guevera t-shirts will, however, be permitted as an option for modified battle dress uniforms.

The best thing you can do at this point is be aware. If you see something, say something. If you hear sentiments being expressed that don’t put all the blame of every situation on Russia you are in the presence of the enemy. If something is bad in your life in any way, you can be sure there’s a borscht-eating bloke lurking nearby. Don’t be afraid to tell them to take a hike back to Boris-land where they belong.

Author’s postscript. Here’s the real kicker: The Russian government is far from blameless for its actions domestically and abroad. However fear-mongering in various Western corridors of power and hyped, inaccurate reporting in the mainstream press is making it harder to see the Siberian forest for the trees. Thanks, media!

 

Caleb Bridgeman is a journalist and international man of adventure. He has never been to Russia but does enjoy vodka and once had a Russian friend in high school. He is now working to expiate that sin by supporting the valor of the Resistance and writing timely warnings such as the one above.

 

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5 Comments

  1. jill says

    Oh, it is a good thing this was labeled as satire. I was about to burn the chicken Kiev from my freezer in protest.

  2. Fred says

    The DNC also accused Jill Stein and Bernie Sanders of being agents of the Kremlin during the election. Sanders and his supporters were also accused of being racist, sexist, homophobic etc etc.

    The DNC master plan was to win the election by shaming people into voting for “the most qualified candidate in history”. Identity politics failed them. This election was the Southern Strategy DNC style and it failed.

  3. Mr. Bridgeman forgot that one of the key points to satire is using humor to make a point. Maybe next time he’ll include something funny. This wasn’t. Plus it was hugely long. And not funny. Maybe he could go read some Andy Borowitz and learn how it’s done.

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